Georgetown University’s Newspaper of Record since 1920

The Hoya

Georgetown University’s Newspaper of Record since 1920

The Hoya

Georgetown University’s Newspaper of Record since 1920

The Hoya

Accumulating Ammunition Against Gun Control Fanatics

Accumulating Ammunition Against Gun Control Fanatics

By Colin Relihan Slowly Losing My Mind

“A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms shall not be infringed.”

This is the Second Amendment, part of the Bill of Rights and part of the bedrock of American society as we know it today. After the War of Independence, the writers of this fine amendment realized that the security and defense of the nation depended on its citizenry. For this purpose, they created the Second Amendment – so that citizens of this country could defend themselves from all enemies foreign or domestic.

It is now 200 years later, and the Second Amendment is under attack. Each day, there is more and more clamor for tighter gun control laws. Proponents of gun control believe the ideal of the citizen-soldier is anachronistic.

Really? Think about it. If a bloodthirsty marauding army of invaders attacked your town, who would you trust to defend you: some Army lieutenant in an M1 Abrams battle tank or your nearsighted next-door neighbor Cletus wielding a shotgun? That’s what I thought.

I, as much as anyone else, am concerned about growing violence in this country today. How can we best solve this problem? Backers of gun control believe taking guns off the street will stop the violence. Sure, blame the gun. These peace-loving, tree-hugging gun haters act as though guns are meant to kill people. I would like to see proof of that.

Guns are our friends. For instance, what better way is there to teach a small child about large explosions and dead animals than with a gun?

Still, all those liberal gun control freaks will throw statistics and facts at you, telling you guns are dangerous and that you shouldn’t have one in the house. One of the “facts” they love to tout is that you are more likely to kill someone you know with a gun than an actual intruder.

Of course, people also say that it’s a “fact” that drinking bleach kills you. Let me tell you, if that were true, I wouldn’t be here to write this column today. So much for facts.

The gun-hating pinkos can have their facts. I’ll take the truth from people I trust, like National Rifle Association President Charlton Heston. You know that he was Moses . in a movie. If the word of pseudo-Moses isn’t enough to change your mind, then perhaps you should listen to the ranting, er, good common sense, of another champion of the Second Amendment, Ted Nugent.

“Cat Scratch Fever” was a good song, wasn’t it?

The left blames violence on guns; the right blames it on a lack of morality in today’s society. I’m here today to say that they’re both wrong. Guns aren’t the problem; they’re the solution. What we need in this country is more guns.

“Oh mon Dieu!” the cohorts of Constitution-hating hippies will say. “More guns – we can’t have that!”

Think about it. What if everyone, and I mean every single person, had a gun? That would make people think twice about becoming violent. It would also make people think twice about leaving their houses, but I think that’s something we can all live with.

Still, think of the advantages. We wouldn’t have to worry about prowlers breaking into the house (unless the prowler had a gun, which he probably would). We wouldn’t have to worry about any pesky invasion from our Canadian neighbors. You know that they’re just waiting up there in Ottawa for us to pass stricter gun control laws so they can roll over us with the mighty Canadian war machine. I don’t want to sing “Oh, Canada!” every day, do you?

And of course, we would never have to worry about annoying neighbors blaring Backstreet Boys at 3 a.m. What a wonderful world it would be.

In the end, just remember, “Guns don’t kill people, people kill people.” So, if we want to end violence, we all know what we need to do. That’s right. We need to get rid of people. And what better way to do that than with guns?

No, I mean . oh crap.

Slowly Losing My Mind appears every other Tuesday in The Hoya.

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