Georgetown University’s Newspaper of Record since 1920

The Hoya

Georgetown University’s Newspaper of Record since 1920

The Hoya

Georgetown University’s Newspaper of Record since 1920

The Hoya

Take Professor Homer Simpson for GOVT-101

Kindergarten was great. You might say it taught me a lot about life. But everything I know about politics, I learned from “The Simpsons.”

Re-importing prescription drugs from Canada – “America Junior” – will get rid of our high medical costs. Because Canadian pharmacies are like bulk candy shops, three guys can drive up north and smuggle enough drugs into the States to sate the needs of an entire town. Enough drugs, in fact, “to make Regina look like Saskatoon.”

Legalizing gay marriage leads to a complete breakdown of orderly society to one where people “will marry anyone to anything.” On the other hand, it’s great for tourism, because gay guys like to buy lots of fancy drinks.

An informal poll about people’s least favorite country? France. “Nobody ever says Italy.”

Abortion is a touchy subject for any politician to talk about. Candidates who advocate “abortions for all,” or “no abortions for anyone,” will get booed off of the podium. Successful politicians will take a moderate stance: “Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others!” and the crowd will go wild.

It’s impossible to get anything done in Congress without either blackmail or drinking a troublesome congressman under the table. And yes, Republicans have a secret plan to name everything after Ronald Reagan, including changing the Mississippi River to the Mississippi Reagan.

Foreign exchange students are really just spies trying to steal America’s nuclear secrets.

Guns are great. They’re not weapons, they’re tools. “Like a butcher’s knife, or a harpoon or, uh, a, an alligator.” Also, the only thing the mandatory waiting periods associated with gun purchases accomplish is inconveniencing law-abiding citizens who just want to shoot their neighbors and sisters-in-law.

Legalization of marijuana will never happen, because everyone in favor of doing so is too stoned to do anything about it. Besides, “the ’60s ended that day in 1978.”

Don’t bother being a tree hugger. You’ll achieve nothing and then get struck by lightning or run over by a bulldozer. Trees aren’t good for anything but “standing around like jerks,” anyway.

All you need to win an election is a catchy slogan and a bunch of crazy promises – unless you’re a Democrat.

Taxes are high in America because of illegal immigrants. When considering the various amnesty and deportation proposals being debated today, feel free to get caught up in scapegoating and don’t stop “to think that it might affect somebody [you] care about.”

Model U.N. is a complete waste of time. “Do you kids want to be like the real U.N.? Or do you just want to squabble and waste time?”

Stereotypes are always true.

The Prime Minister of Australia floats around all day in a pond naked on an inner tube with a giant can of Foster’s.

Prohibition doesn’t work. If you try to enforce it, you’ll get launched out of town on a giant catapult. Alcohol is “the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.”

Not only was former president George H.W. Bush a bad president, but he’s also a bad neighbor. You can punch him in the face, though, as long as he expects it. Just don’t wreck the manuscript for his memoirs or he’ll “ruin you like a Japanese banquet.”

Legalized gambling is the only way to revitalize a sagging economy. And if you try to stop underage kids from being in casinos, they’ll just gamble in their tree houses. Vigilante mobs cause more crimes than they prevent. Still, it’s fun to walk around and swing a sack of doorknobs.

One can count on “The Simpsons” for continued political brilliance for years to come. It’s like my roommate ichael Joiner (MBS ’07) always says, “Don’t change your swing on Sunday at Augusta.”

Have a good summer, everyone.

Eric Rodawig is a junior in the College and can be reached at rodawigthehoya.com. This is the semester’s last installment of THOUGHTCRIME.

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