In light of there not being any light, most of our moods have been on a downward spiral. Right before we begin spreading the holiday spirit, which — for most of us — will bring a little bit of joy, I have taken it upon myself to spread a hating spirit. The spirit of hate is unmatched in its ability to unite and add a little bit of that long-lost sunshine into people’s lives. Hence, here are the top five things that I hate:
Sparkling water (or any alternative water, for that matter)
Honestly, I just don’t get any of it: sparkling water, sparkling water with flavors and, worst of all, alkaline water. I understand wanting to drink water; after all, it is the best drink. I can also understand wanting a flavored drink and even a fizzy one. However, I will never, EVER understand combining the two. Sparkles and water do not match. Neither do flavors and water, and don’t even get me started on alkaline water — which is obviously just overpriced regular water. If you want sparkles in your drink, get a Coke or a Pepsi; if you want flavors too, get an Izze or a Fanta. FIZZY WATER is just plain dog water.
Any overly long movie series
Why are there seven “Mission Impossibles” and eleven “Fast and Furious” movies? We understood the main point in the first movie, got invested in the second and finally got a happy ending in the third. Why more? What kind of money-grabbing, cash-loving rapscallion do you have to be to ruin everyone’s favorite movie series by diluting the plot line to the point where your audience gets bored? The only acceptable long movie series is “Star Wars,” and even that was ruined by an extra three tacky Disney spinoffs. And Disney? That’s a whole other tangent entirely.
Trader Joe’s
Don’t get me wrong; they have lovely flowers, snacks and all the little extra stuff you could ever want for your dorm. However, let me paint you a picture:
It’s a blazing Wednesday afternoon. You’ve just finished all of your classes and are about to have coffee with your friend. You finally get to the coffee shop and order, and, after a harrowing day of actually going to class for once, you finally sit down. Your friend, not understanding the struggle of actually going to class, suggests walking to Trader Joe’s in order to buy a cake. You reluctantly say yes but with fear in your heart of the upcoming 20-minute walk. After a painful and seemingly everlasting journey in the scorching Wednesday heat, you finally arrive at your destination. Although you hadn’t intended on buying anything at Trader Joe’s, you decide to refresh yourself with the world’s greatest drink — even the thought of it makes life feel good again. You take a stroll through the store. What do you find? A STAND FILLED EXCLUSIVELY WITH SPARKLING WATER. The disdain I felt was incomparable to any emotion I had ever felt in my life. F*** sparkling water and F*** Trader Joe’s for having it instead of crisp, luscious, irrevocably superior regular water.
David Goggins
David Goggins stands against happiness, but I stand against his anti-happiness agenda. Absolutely nobody wants to run 100 miles and break their feet while doing it. Some people like to let loose with alcohol or cigarettes. Goggins is borderline sociopathic, and his widespread campaign for the suppression of happiness and comfort reveals more about him than anyone else. Most people actually like comfort, and that doesn’t mean they can’t achieve their dreams. It’s okay to be lazy, it’s okay to procrastinate and it’s alright not to be at your best at all times. In my opinion, as long as you can accept and acknowledge your negative traits, you’ve already made the biggest step toward fixing them. Yes, you should chase your dreams, but you should also be happy throughout your journey toward them.
That one guy in every friend group
In every friend group, there’s that one guy or girl who’s passive-aggressive all the time for no reason. They make hurtful and condescending comments and only decide whether it’s a joke or not depending on the group’s reaction; a real Schrödinger’s douchebag. Nobody in the friend group actually likes them, but for some reason, they’re still there for every single hangout. That’s truly the worst part: Everyone accepts the terrible behavior just because. Actually, no. The worst part is that this same person is always the one in the friend group who exclusively drinks fizzy water.
Oh, and before you ask if the last thing on the list is personal, it’s not. My absolute hatred for sparkling water is, though.