Georgetown University’s Newspaper of Record since 1920

The Hoya

Georgetown University’s Newspaper of Record since 1920

The Hoya

Georgetown University’s Newspaper of Record since 1920

The Hoya

The Changing Times

CHATTER squareHistorically and today, there have been horrible crimes committed against women and girls that take place in the social context of arranged marriages. Of course, this is not what Ms. Cuppari is defending; to appeal to these atrocities will miss the deeply personal nature of this question: Should you and I seek to have our family and friends choose our spouse? We will waste our time if we choose to speak abstractly of the lives we would have lived if we were born in a radically different culture or time period. Rather than talk about an impossible counterfactual, we should take up the thoroughly relevant question of whether, given the life we actually lead, in the culture we are in, with the family and friends that we have, we should have our marriages arranged.

We should not be quick to discount the arguments put forward in defense of arranged marriage. Instead, we should allow ourselves to approach them with an open mind. Even if we eventually reject their conclusions, as I do, we will come to better understand our own conception of marriage in order to avoid the pitfalls of modern matrimony.

Unhappy marriages are so prevalent today that one might think that there is something fundamentally wrong with how we approach it. Arranged marriage appeals to a sense of failure and loss. It points us towards a life full of rich social connections between family, friends, and the community. Rather than rely solely upon the individual to choose his or her spouse, arranged marriage depends on these connections. But can this succeed in our lives? I don’t think it can in mine.

The way most modern social, economic, and religious structures are organized in the United States and ‘the West’ in general cannot harmonize with arranged marriage. Children rarely (by their own choice) live with their parents after becoming adults. Business and trade are not localized, and instead, commercial partners live hundreds of miles apart. Religious leaders advise and inspire us in spiritual matters, but they are not as involved in other aspects of our lives. Contemporary sociality crosses over the clusters of family, faith, business, and community, in which arranged marriages function.

Who could arrange my marriage? My parents do not live in Washington, nor will I be moving back to Florida. Their religious practices and economic relationships do not connect them deeply with other local families who have unmarried children. The social associations that give meaning and context to my parents’ lives do not consistently overlap with mine, so there is not a clear center of shared economic, religious, and political values from which they could choose my spouse.

Are my friends any more prepared to choose my spouse? We find fulfilling social space in clubs, common rooms, and around Leo’s tables; seeking out and exploring diverse perspectives from our friends is likely the most educational part of four years at Georgetown. But, aren’t my friends in the same naïve, inexperienced position that I am? These are huge generalizations that are not accurate for everyone. If nothing I said applies to you, then maybe you should seek an arranged marriage. In certain social contexts, arranged marriage makes sense, but for me and people like me, it is impossible fantasy.

Of course, I have not made any defense for autonomous marriage. This is part of a larger historical point. Arranged marriage does not fit into the structure of our lives because autonomy, in economic, political, and religious contexts, has come to define our society. The historical development of Western institutions has led to this, and the arbitrary decisions of individuals cannot change that. There are serious tensions in modern life that must be sorted through by each person. Family, faith, and friendship must come to bear on individuating institutions of economic and political life. There are other ways to sort through these tensions, and these can be seen in different cultures and time periods. However, to ignore the concrete structures that give meaning to our lives, in favor of incomplete alternatives, is an empty romanticism. I will learn lessons from this debate on how to choose my spouse, but I will accept that, inevitably, the choice will be mine.

Warren Wilson is a junior in the School of Foreign Service. Resolved appears every other Wednesday at thehoya.com. Join the Philodemic Society this Thursday at 8 p.m. in Healy 208 as they debate “Resolved: Marriages should be arranged.” 

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