“On October 3rd, he asked me what day it was. ‘It’s October 3rd,’” said Lindsay Lohan in the (fantastic) movie “Mean Girls.”
Close enough; it’s “October 4th.” That means the first game of the American League Division Series is tomorrow. I am stressed. I need a distraction.
Just kidding.
Nothing can distract me from the playoffs. Do you have any idea how many times I’ve creatively tried to convince my parents that I absolutely have to go home this weekend? And then “accidentally” end up at Yankee Stadium tomorrow night? (It worked, by the way!)
I appreciate that The Hoya publishes 750 words of my yapping every two weeks. Typically, I use that space to make broader points about baseball and society through a pinstriped lens.
But this is serious. The New York Yankees are in the playoffs for the first time in an extremely long two years.
I know that all 26 members of the Yankees’ postseason roster and all of their coaching staff read my column. I know they want my help. So, future World Series champions — yes I just knocked on wood, I’m not insane — here are some tips for making it through October in one piece.
First, stop changing around the lineup. I get why you do it. Aging menace Giancarlo Stanton is a full-time designated hitter, which makes it impossible to give anyone else a half-day off. Young Martian Jasson Domínguez is still finding his footing in the major leagues, and you don’t know whether to fully trust him. And you, for whatever reason, have been platooning catchers Austin Wells and Jose Trevino even though Wells is playing better in every respect.
But teams perform best with a consistent lineup. Give the Yankees’ offense a chance to settle into a routine, and they’ll win. Stop shuffling good players out of the lineup based on half-baked statistical indicators.
Second, please kindly remove Clay Holmes from my line of sight. Seriously, I do not want to see him on the mound. The Yankees’ ex-closer is leading Major League Baseball (MLB) in blown saves in 2024, with an embarrassing thirteen. The only reason he had the opportunity to blow so many saves, though, is because the Yankees refused to move him away from the closer spot even after he aptly demonstrated his inability to close a baseball game.
The last straw was September 3, when Holmes gave up a walkoff grand slam against the Texas Rangers.
A walkoff grand slam. Really, Clay? Are you actively trying to make me miserable?
Maybe if you asked me a few weeks ago, I would have had more sympathy for the now-disgraced All-Star. I might have asked you to keep Holmes off the field in the ninth inning but tolerated an earlier appearance.
But even when the Yankees finally listened to me and booted him from the ninth, he somehow managed to blow a save in the seventh inning against the Kansas City Royals.
“Mean Girls,” once again, put it best: “Stop trying to make [Clay] happen! It’s not going to happen!” Listen to Regina, she’s usually right. And if anyone asks me if I’ve ever been personally victimized by Clay Holmes, you already know the answer.
Third and finally, pretend everybody is the Minnesota Twins. I mean it.
The Yankees’ all-time record against the Twins in the postseason is 16-2, and they are currently nursing a 13-0 postseason streak against Minnesota since 2004. I was born in 2004 and I’m a twin, so I do believe I deserve most of the credit.
I’m not sure what it is about the Twins, but something about them inspires victory in the Yankees in a way that hasn’t manifested itself since the days of legendary owner George Steinbrenner.
So if that’s what it takes — acting like every other team is wearing a not-at-all spooky Halloween costume representing a hapless team from the Great Lakes region — then by all means, play pretend. Whatever works; I’m not picky.
My next edition of “Out of Left Field” comes out Oct. 18. Coincidentally, Oct. 18 is also the date of Game 4 of the American League Championship Series — the same round in which the Yankees were eliminated in their last playoff appearance. It was 2022 and they had just been swept by the habitually-cheating Houston A****s. I’m telling you this because my sixth-grade social studies teacher said that if you don’t talk about history, it repeats itself.
I have a vested interest in ensuring that history does not repeat itself. I want to write a World Series preview for my next column, not a eulogy.
So start spreading the news, or I’ll start spreading the boos. Your move, Yanks.