Georgetown University’s Newspaper of Record since 1920

The Hoya

Georgetown University’s Newspaper of Record since 1920

The Hoya

Georgetown University’s Newspaper of Record since 1920

The Hoya

Bradley in 2000

By John Nagle Hoya Staff Writer

Consider the race over.

In the Scrum is ready to offer its unqualified endorsement for the 2000 elections to Bill Bradley.

It is not often, in fact it has never occurred before, that In the Scrum discusses anything outside of the world of sports. It has now decided to wield its tremendous influence for what it views as a very important cause: electing a former professional athlete to the most powerful position in the world.

Certainly, there have been some athletes in the White House. George H. Bush was good-field, no-hit first baseman at Yale. Gerry Ford played some football in his day at Michigan. Even JFK enjoyed touch football on the beach in Hyannis, Mass.

Indeed, Bradley’s biggest opponents in this race have relatively strong athletic ties. Vice President Gore played freshman basketball at Harvard. George W. Bush is a former part owner of the Texas Rangers. Neither ever won a NBA Championship, thus neither one gets much consideration from In the Scrum.

So with the race wrapped up after this powerful stamp of approval in hand, it is time for the Small Forward-in-Chief to begin considering how he will construct his administration. Of course In the Scrum has a few ideas about how this should be done.

Naturally, In the Scrum turns to the world of sports for inspiration in these matters, probably because that is the only world it knows. In this regard, Bradley was actually ahead of us, reportedly courting former Knicks buddy Phil Jackson as his campaign manager before the Zen master signed on as the new Lakers’ guru.

Despite the failure of that attempt, we have a few ideas about how to proceed.

First, Bradley needs a running mate. We all know that the vice president is essentially useless. He should be a man respected by his peers and by the country at large, although there have been exceptions (Dan Quayle springs to mind). He should be the kind of man who is accustomed to subjugating his own ego to that of his acknowledged better. He is often overrated. He generally is not as successful once he goes out on his own. May we submit for your consideration Scottie Pippen.

Next, Bradley needs a secretary of state. We here at Georgetown are very proud of our former professor and current 35th Street resident Madeleine Albright and the job she has done, but Bradley will probably want to pick his own. And as much as we would like to nominate one of our SFS chums, Bradley will probably want more of a name.

The secretary of state should be tough and intelligent. He (or she) should be diplomat with a firm grasp on international relations. Ideally he would speak many languages. We considered Dikembe Mutombo (SFS ’91), but we discovered that the secretary of state’s office was too small for the 7-foot-2 Mutombo.

Our second choice is Charles Barkley. He is tough, showing that he won’t stand for anyone spilling a beer on him by throwing a patron at a Houston bar through a window. He will tell you he is smart. Over and over. And he proved his strong diplomatic knowledge as a member of original 1992 Olympic Dream Team when he backed off from a fight with the Angolan national team for fear that they might be carrying spears under their jerseys.

Pete Rose would be a good choice as attorney general. He has intimate knowledge of the prison system and the tax code. He also is very strong on his demands to see evidence before committing to most actions, although he is willing to gamble if he thinks the stakes are right. His selection would show the nation that Bill Bradley has guts to go against Bud Selig and the baseball establishment.

Bradley should also consider David Falk as secretary of the treasury. Falk founded ProServ, the most successful sports agency in history, before packing up his black book and starting a new agency called FAME. In his capacity as agent to such stars as ichael Jordan, Patrick Ewing (CAS ’85) and (formerly) Allen Iverson, the man has learned how to handle vast sums, ensuring that the U.S. budget would not pose any significant problems to him.

Speaking of Ewing, he would make a good candidate as secretary of transportation given his demonstrated skill at travelling. Should he decide he is not ready to leave the NBA, James Worthy is a solid second choice.

Shaquille O’Neal is the logical choice as secretary of housing and urban development. Nobody lays bricks like him, and if you don’t believe me, you only need to watch him at the free throw line.

Finally, Bradley will need someone to help him convey his message to the press. A press secretary should be articulate and likable. He should already have a good working relationship with the media. And he should be loyal to the president in defending his actions.

We could not think of anyone in sports who fit this description, so we decided instead to go with a man who will keep his mouth shut at least. Albert Belle, welcome to Washington, D.C.

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