Georgetown University’s Newspaper of Record since 1920

The Hoya

Georgetown University’s Newspaper of Record since 1920

The Hoya

Georgetown University’s Newspaper of Record since 1920

The Hoya

Let the Games, Elections Begin

Let the Games, Elections Begin

By Marshall Van Valen

Before the crisis in Kosovo broke out, the media was focused on the 2000 elections and its very qualified candidates. Well, no one is talking about the elections anymore, and the general public could not give a flying crap about them. Well, this is pretty important. The president helps to shape the future of our supposedly great country, so everyone should care about who gets elected. We need to bring some excitement back to the body politic and have everyone involved in the selection of our president.

The list of candidates for the presidency is long, and there are not many shiney pennies in this bunch. The Republican nomination is being sought after by George W. Bush (not to be confused with Former President George H. W. Bush), Steven Forbes and Elizabeth Dole. Let us see who is interesting. We have a boring Texan with no policies, a rich guy with no policies and an old woman with no policies.

The Democrats are equally exciting, with Albert Gore and Big Bill Bradley. You can choose a boring environmentalist who thinks that he invented the Internet or a former basketball player who is tall. It is like shooting fish in a barrel; place your vote and you get a loser as the president. With candidates like this, who needs TV, the Internet or sleep?

Well, the reforms should add some spin and intrigue into both the primary campaign and the actual election. I think that each party should have a combination of intellectual and physical tests, so that the people can really get to know the candidates. This competition will determine who each candidate for each party will be. It will be like a great big game show to see who the next pres. will be.

First will be the intellectual part, in which the candidates will have to test their wits in handling questions about sex scandals, bribes and secret murders. If they answer a question with a bad answer, they have to spend the rest of the campaign wearing a dunce cap. And if they fail to answer a question, they are eliminated because we cannot have a wimpy executive branch.

Then will come the physical battle where the candidates of each party will have to duke it out to see who is the top dog. The events will include a medieval joust, an obstacle course and a competition to see who can shove the most M&M’s up his or her nose. We need to know what these men and women can stand up to and what their pain thresholds are. I think almost every patriotic American would pay good money to see Elizabeth Dole shove candy up her nose or to see Bill Bradley joust Al Gore. These types of reforms will bring the people out in droves to vote, and the average American will actually be interested in the political process.

Everyone knows that the vice president has the best job because he does not really have to do much. Since the job requires little talent, we should reform the office so that the VP has to be a celebrity or a mime – at least something that is interesting. The VP could be the man or woman who wins the Best Actor/Actress category at the Oscars of the preceding year. If someone is going to lie to you, it might as well be someone who is good at acting. It will not matter what political party they are from, as long as they can act. The VP can perform little skits and at least he or she will be able to entertain us while they rob us blind.

Finally, we will have to change the actual presidential election so that more than just the people’s vote counts. We can add a swimsuit or talent competition, which will be judged by a panel of famous celebrities. People will be able to place bets on the election, and there will be a big national pool in which people can guess the total combined weight of each party’s candidates. Also, we can make the election more like baseball by having a wild card candidate who is only revealed on the day of the election. When the winner of the election is announced they can hide the answer in an envelope and have a magician guess what the name is inside. When they finally announce the name of the winner, they will announce it on a huge loudspeaker system that can be heard all over the world.

The main point of this silly article is that the American political process means little to John Q. Public. The reason that only 38 percent of the voting age public votes is that the election is not interesting and does not seem to influence people’s lives. I urge that all of the politicians get off of their high horse and come down and roll in the mud with the rest of us, just like Jesse “The Mind” Ventura did in Minnesota. People want their president to be intriguing and eccentric. The sad fact is that, if Hulk Hogan were to run for president, he would win hands down. If this does not show the world that politics needs a change, I do not know what will.

Marshall Van Valen is a freshman in the School of Foreign Service.

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