Georgetown University’s Newspaper of Record since 1920

The Hoya

Georgetown University’s Newspaper of Record since 1920

The Hoya

Georgetown University’s Newspaper of Record since 1920

The Hoya

Toward a Healthy Post-Political Season

Flu season is upon us, but so is post-election season. And I don’t know which is worse.

On the one hand, you could die of germs or dehydration. On the other, you could die of depression or the well-aimed boot of a depressed Democrat.

Here is a handy guide to understanding and recognizing the various stages of post-election syndrome, based on its varying types.

Melancholia Democratium: The Five Stages of Loss

1. Denial: Boy, this is one crappy dream. Usually in my nightmares I’m wearing a lot less clothing and standing in front of my thesis review committee. Thank God tomorrow I’ll wake up and start my application for that White House internship. Wait a minute, I just woke up two minutes ago. What the .

2. Anger: . Dammit. Not four more years of torture. Argghhh. How the hell can millions of people actually want worse living conditions for themselves and their children? I’ll give them worse living conditions, by God – if only I hadn’t campaigned so damn vigorously against the NRA last summer. They want their precious-schmecious “moral values?” I’ll give them goddamn.

3. Bargaining: … Fifty dollars? Will that be enough? What! One hundred? How much do you Ohio elections people make, anyway? C’mon, like you’re so busy the rest of the year.

Wait, now it’s two hundred?

. Hi, Canadian Immigration Office? Do you have any appointments for this afternoon? What about tomorrow? Friday? Plus I promise not to make fun of your accent? You don’t understand, I have to .

4. Depression: . Take . shower . stop . crying . eat . eat . eat . eat . eat . eat . omigod I’ve gained 15 pounds since the election . eat . eat . sleep until two . sleep until Tuesday . sleep until .

5. Acceptance: Hooray! I just got the letter from that graduate school in Australia!

Smugmania Republicanus: The Five Stages of Victory

1. Denial: I sure am glad George Bush was elected again so I don’t have to pay down his deficits for the rest of my working life. George is going to “cut the deficit in half in five years.” Where’s your Pottery Barn rule now, John “Stupid” Kerry?

Also, I sure would volunteer to fight that glorious war in Iraq, except I’m studying really hard right now at school and plus I have a bum knee from all those kegstands.

2. Anger: I can’t stand those liberals. Who the hell do they think they are?

Wait, I’ll tell them who they are . (you might want to stand back a few feet .)

Weak. Bleeding hearts. Flip-floppers. French. Sushi-eaters. Tax-and-spenders. Out-of-touch. New York Times brains. Limousine, lazy, latte lesbians.

. Jeez, no wonder there’s no progress on policy issues these days. Poor George Bush.

3. Bargaining: “Rich corporations: I won’t sponsor another piece of legislation helping you unless you give my campaign more money.”

“You CIA guys: fall in line behind my every policy or we drop another of your names to the media.”

“United Nations: Agree to bail us out of Iraq and we’ll agree to pretend you actually matter.”

What? Oh, nothing . I’m just practicing for when I get a job at the White House.

4. Depression: But – wait a minute. What am I doing? Why did I vote a party into office that leaves the poor and the sick to fend for themselves in a desperately unequal world?

A party that raises global anti-American sentiment to an unprecedented level in response to the fact that people are killing us because they hate us?

A party that boasts loudly about its “family values,” but commits adultery and gets divorced at least as often as Democrats, promotes raunchy television like Fox, doesn’t let gays start their own families, and leaves an enormous deficit that will burden all American children throughout their adult lives? Why did I think this was a good idea?

5. Acceptance: Oh great, thanks so much for the medication. I must have caught something from sitting too close to a Democrat.

Rebecca Regan-Sachs is a senior in the School of Foreign Service and a contributing editor for The Hoya. She can be reached at regan-sachsthehoya.com. Case in Point appears every other Friday.

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