By this point, we are all well aware of who this year’s presidential nominees will be. Like ’em or not, barring some extreme circumstance or ~political revolution~, either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton will be moving into prime D.C. real estate early next year.

The average Georgetown student is pretty politically savvy, but for those of us who aren’t, 4E has created a guide to the nominees by making them a little more relevant to Georgetown. Here are what the candidates’ platforms and personas would be if they were running for Georgetown University Student Association President instead:

The Likely Democratic Nominee, Hillary Clinton:

• Creation of a new email system. Google Apps was glitchy, anyways.
• Officially recognize H*yas for Choice.
• Someone will tell her to lower tuition, and she will give in.
• The number of Georgetown students getting Wall Street internships will increase tenfold.
• Public Safety Alerts about attacks on students may disappear mysteriously.
• Incentivize more speakers to come to campus by paying them hundreds of thousands of dollars.
• Jack the Bulldog will wear a pantsuit.
• The front gates remain open.
• If GUASFCU fails, it must be bailed out.
• GUSA Vice President will get into battles on Facebook with opposing campaigns.
• #1 Customer of The Corp, yet has a problem with the way it operates.
• Already had a seat in her classes before the class primaries (i.e. pre-registration).

The Presumptive Republican Nominee, Donald Trump:

• Studying abroad in any country that participates in international trade deals is no longer allowed.
• Build a giant wall around campus, and close the front gates.
• Somehow gets all of his classes during preregistration, stunning even the registrar.
• Will apply for financial aid, then default on his student loans.
• New Corp storefronts: a casino, a vineyard and a steakhouse.
• His possible Vice Presidential nominee may close the Key Bridge.
• Model UN will receive no funding and be removed from CSE budgets.
• The entire campus is a free speech zone.
• Shut down the Qatar campus and relocate it to Tel Aviv.
• Repeal and replace the student insurance waiver.
• Will actually enforce the 100% ID check on GUTS buses.
• Will cut tuition and funding for campus news outlets (Dishonest media!)
• Attack Villanova hard and fast. They have been beating us badly, folks.

Perhaps this will help you make your decision, or it might have just frustrated/annoyed/perplexed/(insert your feeling here) you, but in any case, just remember to VOTE!

Note: Neither The Hoya nor The Fourth Edition officially endorses candidates for political office or otherwise.

Photos/Gifs: reddit.com, giphy.com