A Guide to Holiday Breakups

As the New Year approaches, you may want to start considering some potential resolutions for 2015. Perhaps you want to stop taking Buzzfeed quizzes or going on Netflix binges when you really should be cramming for that Econ exam tomorrow. Or maybe you really feel like you need to shed some dead weight (either figuratively or literally).

If you opt for the latter resolution, and interpret it in a more metaphorical rather than literal sense, then 4E is here to lend you a helping hand as we present the top 5 ways to breakup with your significant other this holiday season.

The “I got rabies from a reindeer” Text: Shoot your significant other a text informing them that you have recently contracted rabies as you were bit by a wandering reindeer on campus and are no longer able to be involved in the relationship. Make sure you emphasize that it’s not them, it’s really you and your foaming mouth that’s ending things. You’ll seem super considerate for taking on all of the blame for your relationship woes, which your soon to be ex will surely appreciate.
Choreographed Dance to “Let It Go”: It’s a known fact that everyone loves the element of surprise, especially when it comes to a relationship. So why not make the end of your relationship the biggest surprise of all? Choreograph an entire routine to “Let It Go” with the help of some background dancers, just like all the proposal videos you’ve inevitably watched on Youtube. You can think of it as your anti-proposal for your soon-to-be-ex. This option is a great way to prove just how thoughtful and creative you are, as you put so much effort into your breakup.
Anti-Pickup Line Candy Gram: Since it’s the holiday season, a lot of groups are selling candy grams all over campus. Swing by one of their stands and purchase one for your significant other. Make sure to include some sort of cheesy anti-pickup line so they know that isn’t your average holiday-themed candy gram. We recommend something along the lines of “Is it hot in here or is this relationship suffocating me?”. While the sting of rejection might hurt, the candy they’ll receive with your witty note is sure to dull the pain!
Christmas Song Themed Letter: Nothing gets you in the holiday spirit quite like some Christmas carols! Sprinkle some of your favorite lyrics into a traditional breakup letter and you’ll end up with the most festive approach of all. Some lyrical suggestions include: “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas without you” or “Joy to the world, my freedom from you has come”. Make sure to sign the letter with “Have a holly, jolly Christmas!” so they know that you don’t want any hard feelings to exist!
The “I’m Moving to the North Pole” Convo: When all else fails meet up with your significant other in person and inform them that you are moving to the North Pole to fulfill your lifelong goal of becoming Buddy the Elf. Invest in an elf costume and continually quote the legendary movie throughout your conversation so it seems like you’re being genuine. When your former girlfriend/boyfriend refuses to believe you, pretend to receive a very important phone call and answer by saying “Buddy the Elf, what’s your favorite color?” as you slowly back away and fade out of their life…