So I’m actually way more prophetic than people give me credit for.

Check out your horoscope below to see how your future, love life and Halloweekend is going to play out. 100% accurate or your money back.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19)

Your life has been crazy and hectic lately, but after this week you’ll finally settle into a more normal rhythm. In your time of desperation, you’ll find a wrapped item of a food on the ground, but you should not eat it. You’ll think about it though.

LoveLyfe: Your side-bae is going to be a side-bye. Get ahead and start moving on.

Halloween-o-scope: You have way too many options for Halloweekend. You’ll be overwhelmed if you try to do them all, so pick carefully. Stay away from group costume ideas.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18)

Next Thursday will literally be a #tbt. Some ghosts of Christmas past will walk back into your life in a way that you were not expecting. Though you may feel overwhelmed at first, take a deep breath—this isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

LoveLyfe: You normally live by the commandment, “thou shalt not text first.” But next weekend, if you get over yourself and just go for it, something good will happen.

Halloween-o-scope: You’ll meet a tempting someone dressed as a promiscuous animal on Halloween night. Stay away.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20)

You know that listening isn’t your strong suit, but you know who really deserves to get listened to? Yourself. You’re in desperate need of some #me-realtalk and just be honest with yourself.

LoveLyfe: The moons have shifted in a rare fashion. Your love interest will acknowledge you sober and in public … potential keeper here.

Halloween-o-scope: So your Halloween costume might be more on the risqué side … but this isn’t something you should feel self-conscious about. If you got it, flaunt it.

Aries (3/21 – 4/19)

You’re stressed out about post-grad plans, but you should not be. Things are going to work out a lot more seemlessly then you’re anticipating, and then you’ll realize that all this nervousness now was unnecessary.

LoveLyfe: You may think you’re the only one courting your crush, but you’re very wrong. Time to step up your game so that someone else doesn’t step on your toes.

Halloween-o-scope: Halloween will not be what you’re expecting this year, but just be prepared to go with the flow.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20)

Your next CTF experience will not be what you’re hoping for.

LoveLyfe: You’re kind of in a rut here. You’re bored with the people around you, and you’re anxious for someone new to walk into your life. But maybe it’s not someone new you should be looking for, but someone old. Not like middle-aged old, but someone you already know. Re-examine the boo’s in your life and do some soul-searching to find out which one could be bae.

Halloween-o-scope: You’re in for a fright this year. Stay cool though, everything will be alright.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/20)

Your next Facebook profile picture will get more likes than you ever thought possible.

LoveLyfe: You feel like a stalker when it comes to your crush, and in some ways, you kind of are. Next time you’re in the same area, introduce yourself in a not-creepy way. They’ll be flattered you took the time to pay attention to them.

Halloween-o-scope: You feel like you’re just over Halloween. You’ve done this for twenty-odd years now, and the routine of going to different houses and collecting candy/shot of Burnetts is getting old. Holidays are just a social construct, right? Isn’t this just a way for the candy companies and Victoria’s Secret to increase their profits? While you may be right, ditch the indifferent attitude just for one night. Have fun with it, put on some animal ears, and go with the flow.

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22)

Work has been going super well lately, and this isn’t just a fluke. You’re really hitting your stride and expanding your skills, so give yourself a pat on the back.

Your frenemy Tequila is going to stab you in the back next weekend…stay away.

LoveLyfe: Your wheelhouse is going to expand…but can you juggle all these new love interests? No need to get serious with anyone yet, but your options are going to increase. In a month or so you’ll have to make a hard decision about one of them.

Halloween-o-scope: You’re going to eat too much candy, but that’s okay.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22)

You feel like your outer appearance has been a bit ratchet, and in all honesty, it kind of has been. That’s mostly because of all the stress you’ve been feeling lately. Give yourself a detox day to give your skin the healing that it needs. You’ll feel better inside and out.

LoveLyfe: Someone in your extra-circular activities has recently caught your eye … don’t let that person out of your sight. Don’t be a stranger, but don’t be a stalker either.

Halloween-o-scope: Your kitty costume isn’t be the only thing that is blacking out this weekend.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22)

Everyone thinks you’re perfect and you have your life together—but do you really? You feel like the answer to this question is no, and having to pretend like you do is driving you mad. It’s a good idea to confide in those you’re close with to say you feel like a mess, and their advice in this situation will be invaluable.

LoveLyfe: You really need to be less self-conscious about yourself, bae and/or side-bae isn’t as judgmental as you think.

Halloween-o-scope: Your kitty tail isn’t the only thing you’re in danger of losing this Halloweened—keep a close eye on your wallet and iphone. You may be in need of an upcoming screen repair.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22)

You may think you’re under-appreciated, but the people in your life value you a lot more than you think. You’re very popular in your inner circle, so don’t forget that.

The wifi at your residence currently sucks. This isn’t going to change.

LoveLyfe: The mixed signals you’ve been getting from a certain someone lately are finally going to clear up. Don’t force this though, this honest conversation will occur organically.

Halloween-o-scope: This Halloween may be the best one you’ve had in a while. Your costume is going to receive a lot of praise, even if you need to explain to some people first.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21)

Tension between you and a certain nemesis will peak this month, but try best not to let your annoyance with this person escalate in a way you’ll regret. Like a poster in my second grade classroom said, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will hurt forever.”

LoveLyfe: Remind your bae and/or side-bae of you interest in them, because they may be uncertain at times. Don’t be afraid to be more forward than you usually are, and slap a couple extra emojis in your texts to show that you really do care.

Halloween-o-scope: So you’re panicking that you don’t have enough costume ideas—but don’t fret. Revisit your childhood costume ideas for inspiration (and maybe ask your mom to FedEx a couple accessories).

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21)

You feel like you’ve just run a marathon. Life has been busier than you ever thought possible, and you’re deserving of some much need relaxation. Next Thursday night, bring a glass of pinot into an extra-hot shower to calm your nerves.

LoveLyfe: You’ve been feeling really frisky lately. Go to your favorite bar next Friday, and you’ll be sure to DFMO.

Halloween-o-scope: Your costume idea for Saturday night is destined to be hot and snarky. Though you may not remember all of this weekend, people are definitely going to give you lots of compliments.

Photo: likewise.canoe.com