New York Yankees’ Hall of Fame catcher and my fellow Montclair, New Jerseyan Yogi Berra lied to me. He famously said, “It ain’t over ‘til it’s over.”

Well, Yogi. Yes, actually, it is over. Very, very over.

In fact, I’m writing this article before the Yankees even lost the 2024 World Series — that’s how over I know it is. Call me a pessimist, but they’re going to lose. The Yankees are currently down three games to zero to the disrespectfully competent Los Angeles Dodgers. 

With the exception of designated hitter Giancarlo Stanton and occasionally right fielder Juan Soto, the Yankees have shown approximately zero signs of life. Captain and allegedly good player Aaron Judge has been particularly absent: As of now, he is batting .140 in the playoffs. That statistic is three points worse than Lou Gehrig’s 1939 season average— and Gehrig was suffering from ALS at the time. 

Perhaps Judge’s batting average is better in the World Series? 

Nope, it’s a microscopic .091. I hope Judge realizes that the Most Valuable Player (MVP) award he is going to win next month for his regular season performance will mean absolutely nothing to Yankees fans. 

Statistics are not on the Yankees’ side, either. No team has ever come back from a 3-0 deficit in the World Series to ultimately win — and I really do not want to talk about the one time a team came back from a 3-0 hole in the League Championship Series. At all. 

So, do you get it, Yogi? Stop bragging. Just because YOU won 10 World Series championships…

Ugh.

I’m jealous. Bitter. Salty. Angry. Sad. On my way to rip down the Yankees posters from my wall until April, when I for some reason will have a sliver of hope again even though the Yankees will surely rip my heart out in 2025, too. 

And how dare you lose in front of Derek Jeter? In what world is it acceptable to lose a home game in which your legendary former captain and five-time World Champion — who actually knew how to swing a bat in October — is throwing out the first pitch? Last I checked, the unwritten rules expressly prohibit this sort of conduct.

Does anyone know whether I can sue the Yankees for emotional damages after this week? I feel entitled to financial compensation for having to watch their recent performance — or lack thereof.

Speaking of activities that will be emotionally damaging — and let me first give you all a content warning; it’s only fair — if you look at my Instagram story in the next week, please know that I have not been kidnapped or taken hostage. No, I’m posting a congratulatory message to the Dodgers because I lost a bet. 

On that note, I’d like to emphasize a point I made earlier: ugh.

Looking back, I didn’t give Yogi Berra enough credit. While his position regarding the timeline of “over” was objectively incorrect, he did make one good point: “It’s like deja vu all over again.”

You might be confused about what I’m talking about, and if that’s the case, you’re lucky — you were not traumatized by the 2022 American League Championship Series (ALCS). Unfortunately, that makes one of us.

I’ll fill you in. In 2022, the Yankees survived a contentious series against the Cleveland Guardians in the American League Division Series (ALDS) before falling lifeless and getting dismissively swept by the Houston A****s in the ALCS. 

Sound familiar? It should — the Yankees beat out a tough Cleveland team in this year’s ALCS before dying lethargically at the hands of the Dodgers.

Deja vu all over again, indeed.

If anyone on the Yankees had thought to ask me before choosing to play this poorly in the postseason, I would have informed them that I much preferred the deja vu of the late 1990s during which the Yankees won four World Series in the span of five years. 

Must’ve been fun. I wouldn’t know. I’m 20 years old and I have seen the Yankees win one paltry World Series game with my own eyes. 

Do I sound mad yet? Do you want to hear what will make me even grumpier?

I have to go to class in a few minutes. My professor — a devoted Red Sox fan — starts every discussion by asking us to share a rose, bud and thorn: something good that happened to us, something we’re looking forward to and something we’re unhappy about. 

Anyone want to guess what my thorn is today? If you guess correctly, I’ll give you as many dollars as Aaron Judge has hits in the World Series.

Hold on — my editors are telling me that an offer of one measly dollar is not that enticing.

Oh. Okay.

Before I go, this message — as per the terms of my unfortunate bet — will serve as my official congratulations to the Los Angeles Dodgers. I am writing this with a straight face and absolutely no malice. 

And as I’m sure you’ve realized by now, I’ve never been sarcastic in my life. So you don’t need to worry about that, either.

So, congratulations, Dodgers fans. I wish you absolutely nothing but my best.