It’s October, and you know what that means. It’s that time of year when the real issues begin to be discussed, when world-class leaders petition for our support. Campaign season is upon us, and the New South/VCW District is feeling the heat. 4E has exhaustively analyzed the various campaigns, and has broken down the candidate’s qualifications and positions on the issues in order to help you make your decision today.
- The Future President
Platform: This person doesn’t care about Georgetown, the issues or you. This is merely another stepping stone in their path to the Oval Office that began in 5th grade. If elected, their first act of business will be to organize a committee to discuss how best to make “Freshman Dorm Representative” sound good on a resume.
Last seen: In a suit, giving weirdly firm handshakes to other freshmen.
Supporters:
- Their parents
- Future Secretaries of State
- Members of the 2024-2028 cabinet
Detractors:
- Future Vice Presidents
- Anyone within 15 years of their age
- Their parents, when they don’t win
- The One who Actually Cares
Platform: Social justice, all bathrooms become gender-neutral.
Last seen: Painstakingly drawing out handmade signs when everyone else just prints them out.
Strengths:
- Ability to appear in any room whenever the word “privilege” is used
- Being raised in an upper-middle class white family
- Multiple ethnic friends
Weaknesses:
- Hasn’t actually taken an African-American studies class
- The Cool Dude
Platform: Booze. Lots of it
Strengths:
- Charisma
- Actually very strong. Rumored to bench anywhere between 330 and 550 depending on how much you say you can bench
- Good Jawline
- Excellent Hair
- Still has suit from that basketball dinner
Weaknesses:
- Refers to New South as “Zoo South”
- Campaign posters are just dick drawings which, while funny, wont get him the same kind of broad support he enjoys on NS2 where, according to our sources, he’s “a legend”
Last seen:
- Coming out of that girl you like’s room at 2 a.m.
Supporters:
- Basically everyone, because who doesn’t like school-sponsored keggers.
Detractors:
- The Living Well LLC
- Lame RA’s
- Other NARPs
- The Panderer
Platform: Free food all the time everywhere. Not only off-campus meal plans, out-of-state meal plans. Everything is free. Electric bill? Free. Will fix everything freshmen complain about during NSO. Like that time you ran for middle school council but got beaten by the kid who promised kool-aid water fountains.
Last seen: Staggering under the pile of 15 pizzas he promised for his campaign event
Supporters:
- Freshmen who haven’t yet had the hope beaten out of them
Detractors:
- Anyone with actual experience dealing with any kind of administration
Campaign Slogan: With great power comes no accountability
- The Serial Advertiser
Platform: Who knows. All we know is that he needs to stop.
Campaign strategy: Post at least 3 times a day on the GAAP Facebook group, each time prefacing his pitch with an apologetic “I know you guys are tired of these, but . . .”
Last seen: Furiously trying to think of rhymes for his first name
Supporters:
- His multiple Facebook friends that promise he’s “a really chill dude with lots of great ideas”
Detractors:
- Pretty much everyone, but ends up winning from third choice votes, purely through name recognition
So, whatever your choice, remember that participating in democracy is one of the most important things we can do for our country. Now go out there and make your voice heard!
#kanye2020
Photos/Gifs: Giphy.com; tumblr.com; sheknows.com
