Take a moment from reading this blog post and freeze. Stop whatever you’re doing and just sniff the air in front of you. What do you smell? Love? Happiness? Chocolates? Now, what do you see? Was that Cupid just buzzing by? Did you just get hit by some little flickering hearts? Is Celine Dion singing a ballad that gently tugs at your heartstrings? Do you feel the love? Want some Candy Hearts? Will you be my Valentine?

If your answer is no to these questions, this post is for you. Here are the “Top Five Things to Do on Valentine’s Day if You’re Angry, Bitter and/or Most Importantly, Single”:

5. Get drunk and sit on John Carroll’s lap Don’t have a date for this year’s V-Day? Neither does Johnny-boy! John Carroll is faithful and committed, and you know exactly where to find him. He’s smart, sturdy and above all, loves it when people sit on his lap …

4. Crash the Interhall Housing Mixers I know you’ve seen the fliers. These events might be for people without roommates, but they’re also perfect for people without Valentine’s Day dates. So if you’re single and ready mingle, get dressed up and bring your A-Game. Or your C+ Game? Or look for a roommate? I don’t know.

3. Have a date with yourself That’s right. Stay in your room. Don’t wear pants. Eat three tubs of Ben & Jerry’s. Cry a little bit. Stop crying. Watch your favorite movies. Eat your feelings some more. Just celebrate being you.

2. Go to Cafe Milano and wait for a celebrity to come and get you I’m dead serious, though. Bradley Cooper was just there. George Clooney is always there. Every celebrity on Earth goes there. Basically, if you go to Cafe Milano, you will fall in love with an A-list star. It’s like waiting for a knight in shining armor, but instead of being locked in a castle, you’re being pampered and eating a veal chop.

1. Don’t do anything at all Be a normal person. Stop getting so caught up over Valentine’s Day and just treat it like Thursday. As in, Thirsty Thursday. As in, you know what that means …

Photo: MissIndependentMind