The following contains the first two submissions to thehoya.com’s first-ever lifestyle advice column. Our staff expert, Amy, weighs in…

Submission #1

Hey Amy,

So I was enjoying a Pyg at my friend group’s favorite hangout spot in the Regents Physics Study Lounge, and I saw your ad. I’m not really an “advice column” kind of guy. I’m usually really busy as program director for my ΛΣβ%Ω coed business/social science/gender studies fraternity, but I think I have a problem. A lot of the guys are pushing for a Sperrys-only policy at social events. The big catch? No socks.

I consider myself a pretty laid back guy but there are two things about my feet. First is that I have a sock tan that makes me look like I’m always wearing a pair of ironic Urban Outfitters socks with a pasty white skin color pattern on them. Second, I have, like, abnormally high arches that I need to fix by wearing special Swiss orthotic socks, which leads to the sock tan problem I explained in problem No. 1. Talk about a vicious cycle. I’m real stressed. I’m approx. 87.4 percent sure this rule’s going to pass. What should I do?

Sincerely,

A Brotha With A Sock-Tan Conundra

Dear Brotha,

Do your feet get sweaty too? Because that would just be the ultimate killer. As well as a deal-breaker, because up until then you sounded like some quality trophy husband material. Anyway, even though you are part of a lasting brotherhood that prides itself on solidarity, salmon pants and apparently smelly Sperrys, you do not have to compromise your foot-dentity for your bros.

Men can only be pushed so far. Have you explained your situation to other members or maybe even the president? Perhaps you could write in a clause to the new law, stating those with orthotic needs do not have to adhere to the rule as long as they have a doctor’s note. I mean, that’s worked for me.

As far as my own Coach Hannigan knew back when I was in middle school, I spent most of the seventh grade alternating between whooping cough, early onset rheumatoid arthritis and a mild but especially long-winded bout of polio. I bet if you play that card, people will be sympathetic.

However, even if they were so cold hearted as to not understand, you should still be able to sport your favorite sock wear. If the law passes, you should ask your doc if those funky socks come in a variety of colors just to stick it to the men.

XOXO,

Amy

Submission #2

Dear Ms. Amy

I’m writing in regards to a recent dilemma to which I unfortunately see no clear solution. As a double major in Government and International Politics with minors in Economics, Marketing and East-German Psychedelic Sculpture and Print-Making, I often find it hard to balance my academic responsibilities with the social scene I have observed on campus. Just last week, I was asked by my roommate whether I wanted to hit a social gathering at Brown House but decided against it to work on my application for the School of Foreign Service Chester A. Arthur Lee Daniels Undergraduate Multicultural Diversity Research Fellowship Society. She looked at me like I was crazy. I mean, have you seen the parties that the SFSCAALDUMDRFS hosts? The networking opportunities! I could almost die thinking about it. 

I am afraid, however, that I’m missing out on some less-refined frivolities that everyone here seems to be fond of. Am I right in choosing my studies and career aspirations over partying? Will I reach a point where I have more investment banking and consulting contacts in East Amsterdam than real friends? 

I look forward to hearing from you,

H. Ermine Gronjer

Dear H,

While schmoozing young professionals in between virgin cocktails and crashing the servers for another tiny crab cake you can never seem to eat enough of, there is nothing like bonding with your contemporaries over a warm Natural Light that you may or may not have stashed in your purse from the pre-game — Brown House always dries out pretty fast.

On the other hand, you also can’t spend every weekend socializing yourself and your liver into oblivion. Amy’s expert suggestion? Join one academic club and one social. Send in your SFSCAALDUMDRFS application, but remember they are not the end-all-be-all of Georgetown’s fabulously diverse and interesting student body. Everyone’s special. Everyone’s a winner. (Note to the Georgetown: I’ll be picking up my sponsor check on Monday.)

Also remember that it’s worth sacrificing some social time for an organization you are passionate about; however, it’s not worth it simply to feel good you joined an exclusive and selective group. Finally, there is something very important about having friends from a variety places with academic and personal interests that vary from your own.

You wouldn’t want to party with a room full of your clones now would you? At any given moment, I myself prefer to surround myself with bold, interesting people who have done two of the following three items: 1, Amassed over 100 thousand Instagram followers. 2, Hosted a VMA’s pre-show. Or 3, signed a contract and tricked the whole world into thinking they actually designed their own perfume line.

But of course we can’t all be me, though, so you should stick with the stuff I was saying before.

XOXO,

Amy

Amy is an eighth year student majoring in High Yield Staple-Gunning and Political Cartoon Theory in the McCourt School of Public Policy. Originally hailing from the eastern province of Qaqortoq, Greenland, she has traveled the world absorbing culture, leading protests, and, as always, hunting for the perfect man to clean her pool, mix her drinks, and model her upcoming line of faux-fur compression shorts.