Mr. Jeff Bezos, hot off the stove of a divorce, seems to be getting lonesome in his new life as a bachelor. With his purchase of a “quaint” home in Washington, D.C., he seems to be on the prowl. Alexa must not be good company anymore, because Jeff is scoping out for something more real. Thanks to our impressive network of sources, we are honored to be the first to show the definitely “REAL, AUTHENTIC, UNEDITED” dating profiles of Jeffery Preston Bezos. 

TINDER:

Bio: Hi! I’m an open book — ask me anything! Billionaires are people, too, so be kind. A proud Boomer. Legend has it, if you rub my shiny bald head, Alexa will appear and buy you anything you desire. If you rub another part of my body, something even better happens 😉

BUMBLE:

GRINDR: ???

Mr. Bezos, too, seems to be looking to get cuffed this holiday season. No doubt he’s splurged on all the premium profiles on these apps to get those extra matches, but until he deletes these profiles, it seems like he hasn’t found The One. I guess money can’t buy everything. Happy swiping, Hoyas.