Georgetown Emergency Response Medical Service (GERMS) is an invaluable asset to the Georgetown community. Whether you break a leg during a club sports game or go a little crazy on a Friday night, GERMS is there to escort you to the Georgetown University Hospital free of charge. On many occasions, calling GERMS is the right move. But members of the 4E staff, through our never-ending acts of debauchery, have compiled a list of five times when you need to put that phone away and keep on trucking.

1. Do not call when you get a splinter!

Fun Fact: GERMS DOESN’T HAVE TWEEZERS! Now, you may be thinking, “How do the 4E bloggers know that?” Well, that’s beside the point. You’re going to have to trust us. When you’re walking barefoot on Georgetown Day and you get that pesky splinter, refrain from dialing GERMS. In this case, they just can’t help you.

2. Do not call to deliver your post-CFT food baby!

We know. Chicken Finger Thursday can sometimes get the best of you. Even though you feel (and possibly look) like you’re pregnant, there’s nothing GERMS can do about it. GERMS is not equipped to deal with your food pregnancy, so resist the temptation to call them for a food baby delivery.

3. Do not call after you trip in Yates!

Yates can be intimidating. When you’re walking around, it’s easy to get distracted by the hardcore athletes sprinting on the treadmill or the girl doing yoga up against the wall. It’s common at these times to lose track of where you are and take a tumble. Although your wrist might be sore and your ankle may be twisted, please don’t call GERMS. It’s embarrassing enough that all of Yates is staring at you. Just get out as soon as possible and hobble on over to student health to repair your ankle — and hopefully your dignity as well.

4. Do not call after you spend a night in Lau!

Studying can be exhausting. So can staring at the confines of a Lau cubicle for hours on end. As you stumble out onto Healy Lawn just as the sun starts to rise, refrain from calling GERMS to whisk you away. You’ll be fine. Walk on over to Wisey’s to score an early morning breakfast sandwich to get you reoriented. That should do the trick.

5. Do not call for help with your Healy Lawn sunburn!

Now that the weather finally is getting nice, more and more students flock to Healy Lawn to get their study on. With the smell of GUGS burgers in the air and the peaceful sound of Frisbees whizzing by your head, it’s very easy to doze off for an hour or two. When you wake up, don’t be surprised that you’re a bright shade of red. GERMS can’t help you at that point, but hopefully that one kid on your floor who packed for the apocalypse has enough aloe lotion to get your through the week!

This is the definitive list of when NOT to call GERMS. In all seriousness, GERMS is awesome and so important to the safety of all students on campus. Keep on keepin’ on, you GERMS students and EMTs out there. In case of actual medical emergencies, GERMS can be reached at (202) 687-4357.

Photos: mashable.com, Matt Sullivan/The Hoya, cmich.edu