By this point in the semester, as a freshman, you’ve probably encountered an awkward situation that tends to happen here on the Hilltop. It goes something like this:

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It’s 10 p.m. on a Friday night, and you’re standing in a crowded New South dorm room that smells like a mixture of bodily fluids, the weeks-old laundry you’ve been meaning to do and the pungent cheap alcohol adult beverages (which are not permitted in dry dorms). It’s Lit. The music is pounding, and your friends are sharing horror stories of the kid down the hall who was written up last night. Then, it happens: that cute girl in your Problem of God class you almost talked to once alerts the masses to a huge party at some little-known place called “Nevils.”

UH OH! You want to go, but weren’t exactly invited.

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Here at Georgetown, parties are often “closed.” The self-appointed bouncer will try to tell you that the party is at capacity, that your friend group ratio is off or that you just aren’t in the group for which the party is intended.

But, FEAR NOT! While the traditional techniques to finagle your way into a party sometimes don’t suffice, 4E has compiled a guide that will get you into that Brown House banger (AKA DC’s hottest sauna) that works every time, 50% of the time!

Let me in because…

• I need to help a friend who is inside: Tell the bouncer that your friend inside the party needs a visit from GERMS and you need to tend to him/her immediately. It won’t suffice if anyone else calls, because JUST LET ME IN I NEED TO MAKE SURE SHE’S OK!
• I (kinda) brought the goods: Run, don’t walk, to the nearest dumpster. Gather some empty bottles left over from another night’s festivities, fill them with water or another appropriately colored liquid and present them to the bouncer as a gift. They will appreciate the offer and let you in, but by the time they realize your antics, you’ve already worked off your Chicken Finger Thursday food baby on the dance floor.
• It’s my 21st birthday: For those of you unfamiliar with this momentous occasion in your life, you can use it as an excuse for anything and everything. Have a midterm? Tell your professor you’re turning the big 2-1 that day and can’t fathom studying. Tuition and rent are due on that day? Ask for an extension, they will totally understand. In order to pull off this one, you need to fake a stamp on your forehead to prove you had your Tombs night, an explanation why you look so young and the ability to produce that genuine ID from South Carolina (despite your natural New York accent) that proves you ~just~ turned 21.

• I will pee myself otherwise: Word to the wise – this may or may not need to be accompanied by a story about how you struggle to maintain the integrity of your bladder and randomly lose control. Tell them you could burst at any moment all over the place and you wouldn’t want to get the bouncer’s clothes wet, now would you?

• No hablo inglés: Ramble on in one of the seven foreign languages you know being a Georgetown student. If they are thoroughly confused, they just might let you in. Make sure that the bouncer doesn’t speak the language you’re using, or this could go sour. Bonus points if you make up your own language(s) to use or use multiple languages!

• I live here: Obviously, it could be a dead giveaway that you’re telling a lie if you choose this option and can’t back yourself up. The key to success is to be confident, be a few notches above angry when they reject you at first and be willing to (or threaten to) call the cops if they don’t let you in.

• I know ____________ (insert a very rare, not a common name): It may be simple to say you know John and Matt and try to get into a party that way, because chances are both John and Matt are the names of two of the guys that live there. Nevertheless, doing so will result in failure as soon as the bouncer says, “John who?” For this reason, tell them you know “Pascal” and “Foster.” When they don’t know these guys, you just say “exactly” and push your way past them, because there is a reason for which bouncers are outside of the party.

While we won’t give you a money-back guarantee, we’re sure that if you’re daring to try all of these suggestions, you just might be let into the sauna party.

Photos/Gifs: giphy.com, theodyssey.com