An email sent to all students on Friday, April 25, announced the university’s new housing policy mandating three years of on-campus living, beginning with the Class of 2017. This has provoked much outcry from current freshmen, some of whom were intending to live on campus for only one more year but are now required to stay for two. However, a follow-up email sent today from the Office of Student Affairs has added that the university has decided to implement several changes to the residential halls as concessions to be in effect September 2014.

The email announced that several of the walls in various existing dorms will be knocked down, converting those floors into “large open spaces for the students to study.” The email goes on to say, “In accordance with our goal of developing a more residential living and learning undergraduate campus on the Hilltop, we will put plenty of tables in these study areas. Unfortunately, due to current budget constraints, these will likely not be top-of-the-line tables, but instead Ping-Pong tables or those flimsy plastic ones that people put out in their lawns. Additionally, there may not be enough in the budget for chairs, so many students will have to stand.”

When 4E called the Office of Student Affairs for comment, a representative read a prepared official statement: “We here at Georgetown pride ourselves on our emphasis on student space and academic excellence. The conversion of some residential floors into open study spaces is a prime example. Hey DeGioia, would you kiss those cups? Oh excuse me, that’s a not part of the statement.”

When pressed for more information, the representative added that there will be vending machines in place serving all kinds of sodas and juices. She went on to add that, in case one student didn’t have enough money on their GoCard for a “study break drink, we will even have red Solo cups provided so that a fellow student can share theirs. Men and women for others! … No you can’t get a celeb shot, I’m on a roll.”