The New York Yankees play baseball today.
At 1:05 p.m., the Tampa Bay Rays will venture to George M. Steinbrenner Field and take on the Yankees in both teams’ first matchup of spring training — a game that does not matter, at all.
Except it does matter for two reasons. First, the Yankees need to defend their title as the home team at their spring training park, Steinbrenner Field. Because the Rays’ Tropicana Field caved in during Hurricane Milton in October 2024, the Rays will play home games at Steinbrenner Field for the 2025 season.
But second, and more importantly, it is a baseball game. Therefore, it matters, and I care about it. It is that simple.
I have two choices of how to spend my day: I can stress about midterms or I can stress about baseball. I choose baseball. I always choose baseball.
So in the classically Georgetown University spirit of stress, I’m going to tell you exactly how to overreact to every little thing that happens in spring training. Otherwise, why are you even watching?
First, if the Yankees’ two-time American League (AL) Most Valuable Player Aaron Judge receives so much as a paper cut, you are obligated to throw your television remote at the wall. Then punch the couch a few times, for good measure. You see, a paper cut means he is unquestionably out for the entire season. And if Yankees’ manager Aaron Boone says in a press conference that Judge is fine and he is not worried, that means Judge is practically dead.
Second, if Yankees’ touted shortstop prospect Roderick Arias gets a single hit or steals a single base, you should assume that he is the next coming of Derek Jeter. No, it does not matter that he is only 20 years old — even younger than your favorite columnist — or that the Yankees already have a shortstop. Arias is going to win the AL Rookie of the Year Award unanimously and hit a walk-off single to right field in game seven of the World Series. You heard it here first.
Third, if recently-acquired closing pitcher Devin Williams takes the mound with even a hint of a five o’clock shadow, you have to start shouting — preferably in an obnoxious New York accent — about how he is not a “real Yankee” and “doesn’t respect the pinstripes.” The fact he dares toe the line on the Yankees’ outdated facial hair policy means that he is apt to blow a dozen saves in 2025 while simultaneously serving as a clubhouse cancer.
Fourth, if you happen to glance toward third base and see a blank shell of a person, just cry. The Yankees are planning to play with only eight defenders on the field at a time this season, obviously.
Oh wait, my sources are telling me that the last one is not an overreaction at all — somehow, it is late February and the Yankees do not have a competent third baseman.
Life is not supposed to mirror Abbott and Costello’s “Who’s on First” comedy skit. If you have not watched it, go do that now. I’ll wait.
Long story short, the third baseman in “Who’s on First” is named “I Don’t Know.” And evidently, I Don’t Know got traded to the Yankees, because he is currently their starting third baseman. It’s fine. Everything is FINE.
Fifth, if starting pitcher Gerrit Cole throws a single ball, you should realize that he is old, decrepit and no longer in control of his fastball. His 2023 Cy Young season? A fluke. He might as well retire.
Sixth, if rising star Jasson Domínguez — who is recovering from Tommy John surgery — takes even a single spring training game off, you can be sure his rehab is going terribly. In fact, his arm most likely fell off. Ignore the fact that everyone takes spring training games off. Just assume the worst: He is never playing again.
Seventh, and most importantly, if the Yankees lose a single spring training game, the season is over. We are not making the playoffs, much less the World Series, and we should sell the entire team before April. In fact, we should just cancel the season.
Alternatively, you could also just turn the game on this afternoon and enjoy the fact that baseball is back — but we both know that is no fun at all.
