Has your sexy peg-legged pirate boyfriend succumbed to the mysterious and deadly illness known as scorbutus? It happens to the best of us, and you’re not alone. You’re human and it’s normal to grieve; let yourself feel all the emotions that wash over you.

Perhaps to honor the loss of your hot pirate boyfriend, you should make sure no one else suffers the same fate as him. The first thing you’re going to want to do is examine your diet over the past three or four months. Have you eaten anything other than salted pork and beer? Nothing wrong with that combo, but you might want to diversify your diet. I know you must be out to sea doing your pirate-y things and causing a ruckus, but it might be worth the risk to land at a port and buy some fresh produce. Ideally, you’d be able to find a local farmer’s market with organic, fresh produce, but maybe your pillaging hasn’t been as successful recently (I don’t blame you, just look at the economy … ). If that’s out of your price range, almost any canned vegetables or fruit could save your life. You see, potatoes, strawberries, and citrus all have a little thing inside them called Vitamin C, and you need that to survive. How do I know this? No, I am not a witch, but I have studied introductory biology and know what ascorbic acid is.

Once you’ve stocked up your pirate ship with some fresh fruits and veggies, it may be time to consider a proper burial for your boyfriend. He was a mighty fine pirate, the fiercest sailor of the seven seas, and he deserves a great funeral. How do you bury your dead? Oh, you just chuck them overboard? Don’t you think he deserves something a little more grand? I hear that viking funerals are very fashionable these days. I mean, pirates and vikings aren’t really that different, I don’t think it’s appropriation.

I know you’ve been down with the passing of your hot, rugged boyfriend, who always knew how to rock those billowy white shirts. He really did look great in that pointy pirate hat with his muscular chest exposed. But, he would want you to enjoy the rest of your pirating days: pillaging, sailing, staring dramatically out at the horizon, the whole shebang. So, pick up your head, your pointy pirate hat is dropping. Go out there, cause some mayhem, and avenge your boyfriend!! Arrrrg.