Well good morning Hoyas! Or, if you’re like me, you’re wondering why it’s so bright out when the night still hasn’t ended. Yes, I have survived my first all-nighter (read as: I’m a freshman taking only 14 credits) but trust me…it wasn’t pretty. I’m going to allow you to re-live my experience and learn from my mistakes, the first of which was waiting to write this paper until last night…or…this morning? I don’t know, I’m sleepy and confused. Hopefully you’ll find this either informative, amusing, or reminiscent of your first all-nighter. Regardless, this is going to be pretty shambly.

12:05am Get out of rehearsal and head to Lau 2, sit with a friend.

Clearly these are mistakes 1 and 2. As much as you try to delude yourself, Lau 2 is not a productive place and friends are poopfaces who distract you.

1:20am Very little has been done, but now I am ravenously hungry. I go to Midnight to get a bagel but am told that they are out of ALL KINDS OF BAGELS. WHAT IS THIS MADNESS. Proceed to cry.

Mistake number 3 is made, but not by me. By all other bagel consumers: why did you take all my bagels. Why? Why would you do this to me.

1:35am Research Grubhub delivery places, contemplate options, be indecisive. Then get convinced that we should make a caffeine run to Midnight then go to Vittles for snacks. But we have to hurry because “Vittles closes at 2”!

1:47am While waiting for our drinks, I run into my lovely deputy editor, Kate Wellde who works at Vittles. I go over to her, intending to ask her to text the person with the last Vittles shift of the day to ask them to stay open for just 5 more minutes. Kate apologetically tells me that Vittles closes at 1 every day…

Mistake number 4= not knowing the hours of Corp locations. Even Kate Wellde couldn’t cushion this blow. Deep sigh…

2:00am Go to Hariri to study anyhow and order pizza from Grubhub to be delivered to the Hotel lobby because my stomach is growling more than a wild Zigoon with no attack moves.

Best decision of the night. It got there in 16 minutes. Delicious. Worth it.

3:02am I have effectively finished my Cinnamon Awakening (count it: that’s one, two, three, FOUR shots of espresso with coffee added) and we are joined by another friend. I start doing some work.

Mistake number 5, that much caffeine is SURE to cause a crash later…

4:32am Aaaaaaand we’re distracted again.We just keep dramatically re-enacting this gif and browsing the web.

I need to make my SelfControl blacklist more detailed…dailypuppy.com anyone?

5:21am The energy decline begins. I am feeling sad, tired, and I hate this paper more than anything else.

6:34am Despite my best efforts, I fall asleep in the study booth.

Can’t tell if this is mistake 6 or a good decision…

7:00am Wake up aggressively, pretty sure that I slept for hours but not feeling refreshed at all.

7:08am We make a disturbingly cold walk to Leo’s. Teeth are chattering, but I’m certainly awake.

7:24am Unsatisfying Leo’s breakfast. Also, just kidding about the “certainly awake thing”, I was still totally asleep.

8:06am Return to dorm room and write a delirious blog post. Realize that Problem of God paper still is incomplete.

Mistake 7? Probably.

8:28am Finish blog post. Still sleepy. Maybe will nap. Spanish at 11am? Full sentences escape me. Wonder what my mom will think when she reads this, she will likely be concerned.

So there you have it. My first all-nighter. Freshman firsts and freshman fails. Again, the full sentence thing is hard…

Photo: Condescending Wonka twitter