As a New Yorker, I personally have always maintained a love-hate relationship with Einstein Brothers’ Bagels. I came to Georgetown full of contempt for the institution and the subpar baked goods it stands for, but gradually carb cravings and meal swipe desperation wore me down – the “Darn Good” bagels found a place in my (guilty) heart. Though it goes against my better judgment, you will find me sitting in the Car Barn location from time to time every single day.

Unfortunately, there has been a recent change in operations that has left even the most devoted Brother Lovers unsatisfied. Einstein’s Bagels is going off the deep end. Maybe you can relate.

Grievance #1: No More Iced Coffee (#whitegirlproblems)

The Einstein’s in Car Barn used to offer premade vanilla hazelnut iced coffee, and it was one of the best things that ever happened to me at this school. This year they stopped making it, and it was one of the worst. Newsflash, Einstein’s: pouring boiling hot coffee directly onto ice in a small plastic cup is NOT THE SAME THING.

Grievance #2: Cream Cheese Rationing

One of Einstein’s most redeeming qualities was the fact that they were heavy-handed with their spreads. Their so-called “thin-tastic” (read: pitiful) bagels are a lot more satisfying when they have the double-whipped cream cheese oozing out of the sides.

Apparently, now Einstein’s is on some sort of minimalist regimen, and they are instructing their employees to scrape off all the shmear when they serve you your bagel. If I were trying to diet, I’d order some oatmeal – okay?

Grievance #3: New Meal Swipe Policy

If it wasn’t bad enough that we are exchanging a $15 meal swipe for a $1 bagel and a $3 coffee (and maybe a free apple, if it’s a good day), we are now being told exactly when and where we can throw away spend our money. Georgetown’s new restrictive meal swipe policy means that you have to wait, like, 20 minutes before you can use a second or third swipe for your water and your fruit cup. I do have places to go, you know.

Grievance #4: Weird Seasonal Cream Cheese Flavors

Returning to the complex issue of cream cheese, I have to ask: Einstein’s, what are you trying to prove with all these weird seasonal shmear flavors? That you’re gourmet? No one actually wants pumpkin cream cheese on her bagel (#basic, much?).

One time, I accidentally got pumpkin cream cheese at the Regents Einstein’s because I thought it was peanut butter. It was awful.

Grievance #5: Limited Real Estate

The lack of real estate in the Car Barn Einstein’s is nothing new, but as long as we’re complaining, I might as well cover all of my bases. There is nothing more unpleasant than the sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach that comes when some rando stranger (or that annoying girl from your freshman seminar) interrupts your deep scholarly thoughts and asks if they can share your table. Can you not see that I only have three square feet for my computer, textbook, notes and assortment of highlighters?    

Although I do love Einstein’s – and I will continue to go there frequently as I hate Leo’s and am stuck on a 10 meals per week plan – it has been seriously disappointing this semester. I sincerely hope, for all our sakes, that it soon returns to its old standards. Or at least just brings back the iced coffee.

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