Round One
After “new Big East” buddies Butler and Marquette advance in their respective openers against noted giant killers Bucknell and (especially) Davidson, one of the last holdouts in the old conference, Cincinnati, falls on a last-second jumper from Doug McDermott of Creighton. Pope Francis absolves McDermott and all his new conference brethren of their sins for banishing the Bearcats’ horrifying uniforms from television forever.

Meanwhile, somewhere in the frozen tundra of southern Canada, an NCAA order arrives at a thought-to-be-closed athletic facility. Hours later, Syracuse announces that James Southerland will not be playing in the second-round game, wishing to “spend more time with his family.”

Georgetown makes Florida Gulf Coast wish it had waited a bit longer to join the Big Dance.

Round Two
Following a win in its toss-up first-rounder against North Carolina, Villanova topples Kansas in the Round of 32. Ryan Arcidiacono scores 40 points, including the go-ahead three in overtime. John Thompson III glares at the TV image of Jay Wright for a bit — he hasn’t forgotten March 6 — before softening as the ESPN talking heads begin discussing whether the new Big East might be the best conference in college basketball next year.

John Beilein bests Shaka Smart in a battle of brilliant coaches, ensuring the Hoyas won’t see “Havoc” again.

Syracuse edges UNLV, and NCAA investigators are caught off guard while searching for JimBoeheim, having funneled their resources toward staking out every golf course in America.

Sweet Sixteen
Louisville tops upstart St. Louis in the Midwest semis. Marquette beats Miami in the East, setting up a date with Syracuse. Federal investigators are flummoxed at the prospect of serving papers to Manley Field House, which has been closed for 30 years, so the Orange upset Indiana while “not worried about distractions,” according to Boeheim.

After beating San Diego State in the Round of 32, Georgetown figuratively wipes the floor with Florida, making up for the fact that nobody could literally wipe the floor the last time the two teams played. Villanova continues its Cinderella run as Arcidiacono wins a shooters’ duel with Trey Burke.

Elite Eight
Gonzaga continues its quiet run through the West bracket, earning the region’s Final Four berth with an emphatic win over Ohio State. Louisville counters 16 turnovers from Peyton Siva and an off night from Russ Smith by forcing McDermott into 3-of-22 shooting in the Midwest. Georgetown gets revenge for 1985 in the South, edging out Villanova on a last-second Markel Starks floater.

Federal agents indict 11 Syracuse players on charges ranging from jaywalking to grand larceny, but each Orangeman is reinstated by game time, with Boeheim citing “misunderstandings.” Syracuse beats Marquette easily to earn a berth to Atlanta.

Final Four
Louisville shows Gonzaga what a Big East defense looks like. Otto Porter Jr. adds a 38-point appendix to the Georgetown-Syracuse rivalry book. Boeheim flees the country immediately after the game.

Championship
Aaron Bowen drops in a three over Russ Smith at the buzzer. Rich Chvotkin’s head explodes. TheHoyas cut down the nets.

PAT CURRAN is a junior in the College and former sports editor of The Hoya.