A Guide to Crushing Valentine’s Day

It seems as though 4E is starting to get somewhat of a reputation as being a highly regarded dating guru. After addressing the issue of what a DFMO entails, emails began pouring in from lovestruck Hoyas across campus begging for some words of wisdom.

We recently received an email from yet another freshman in need of some help with his dating debacle. With Valentine’s Day quickly approaching, we decided to lend him a helping hand and offer him a logical solution to his problem.

Hey 4E,

I saw your article a few weeks ago where you gave some pretty great dating advice, so I figured I’d give it a shot and ask for your opinion. There’s a girl who lives on my floor in New South, I’ll call her Sarah, and she’s pretty chill. She was in my ethics discussion last semester, but I was way too nervous to talk to her. Instead I just pretended to ignore her anytime she said hi to me in passing because I definitely didn’t want her to think I was too into her. I mean it’s all in the subtlety, right?

Anyway, I decided over winter break that I needed to make my move with Sarah this semester. The other day I ran into her in the hall on my way to the showers. Even though I was wearing a towel and carrying a shower caddy, I knew this was my time to shine. As I passed her I just blurted out “Hey Sarah, we should do something Saturday night.” She seemed kind of surprised, but it was casual because she agreed to hangout.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m really psyched Sarah wants to hangout this Saturday, but apparently that’s also Valentine’s Day. I’m not really into celebrating that holiday and I definitely have no clue what she’s expecting. My question for you, 4E, is how can I crush the Valentine’s Day game and really impress Sarah?

— Helpless in New South

Dear Helpless in New South,

Let me preface my advice with a question: what’s one thing all freshmen have in common? An eternal love for meal plans, of course! That’s why you should definitely make the most of yours by planning a special Valentine’s Day date at O’Donovan’s on the Waterfront. I mean nothing says romance quite like the sound of a dinging bell while someone screams “COME GET YOUR OMELETTE”, right? Right. Plus Sarah will be completely impressed with your ingenuity and regard for creative date ideas.

Now I know what you’re probably thinking, what could possibly be so great about Leo’s on Valentine’s Day? Well, a lot. Especially if you’re willing to put in the extra effort to make it a truly memorable dining experience. Just follow these simple guidelines and you’re sure to have the best Valentine’s Day ever!

When you get to Leo’s you may be tempted to offer to swipe Sarah in. DON’T DO IT. Seriously, it’s a huge trap. Today’s dating conventions are all about empowering everyone because #YesAllWomen (and more importantly, #YesAllMealPlans…gotta use those swipes somehow). After you swipe yourself in just start walking into Leo’s, she’ll get the idea and really appreciate how much you value her independence.

Next, find an extremely large table upstairs and commandeer it for your date. Pull a tablecloth and some candles out of your backpack to help create some ambiance. Trust me, it’ll be totally effective. Insist that you each sit on opposite ends of the massive table and speak loudly the entire time to ensure that she can hear you. If she questions this seating arrangement, let her know it’s because it makes it easier to stare into her eyes.

Ask her what she wants to eat and tell her you’ll go get it for her. This will make her think you’re considerate. Completely ignore whatever request she makes and concoct the most disgusting mix of foods you can find. This will make her think you’re spontaneous. Continue to creepily stare at her as you eat as quickly as possible, and when you’re finished get up and leave. You’ll establish a sense of mystery which Sarah will definitely find intriguing, it’ll leave her wanting more. You’ll inevitably leave Leo’s thinking your date went so well that love must be in the air (fair warning: it’s actually Leo’s lingering scent).

Love 4Ever,