Roses are red,
Hoyas bleed blue,
Valentines break your heart,
but 4E always pulls through.

Ah, Valentine’s Day. We know our content this week has been pretty V-Day-centric, but, come on, can you blame us? People turn into very specific characters as the dreaded/anticipated/hated 14th of February approaches. So without further ado: The Five People You’ll Meet on Valentine’s Day.

1. The Cynic This person will likely loudly argue that “Valentine’s day was created by the greeting card and chocolate companies to scam people out of tons of money.” Or that “Valentine’s Day is American consumerism run amok and I won’t take part in it.” Hey, maybe they’re right, but you don’t want to tell them that for fear that it’ll go to their head. The Cynic is rather similar to “The Non-Believer“; they’re just looking for a reason to go against the grain.

2. The Lonely One This person loves Valentine’s Day and the idea of Valentine’s Day but did not manage to procure a date for this fateful Thursday. They might be spotted in the common room in sweatpants with a tub of ice cream watching The Notebook and wondering why Ryan Gosling isn’t “hey girl”-ing them through the screen. They’ll hopefully have better luck next year or will go out and celebrate with friends!

3. The Mushy Couple Some could argue that this isn’t one person, it’s two. To these people I say, “Have you ever seen them disconnected?” The Mushy Couple has melted down into one entity and is potentially seen being a little too friendly with each other on Lau 2 or even behind you in your Econ lecture. You envy them for what they have but also wish they would stop being so gross in public. They, however, love this day as an excuse to go out and not eat Leo’s and to buy each other candy.

4. Your Mom *sexual innuendo voice*: Yeah, your mom is my valentine. (Jokes.) Your mom is your one true faithful valentine, sending you a care package stuffed with things that make you miss home to no end. Your favorite candy, her homemade peanut brittle, a new shirt she got when she was out shopping and a little note with all of her motherly love in it. Your mom will always be your real Valentine. Don’t forget to give her a call! Valentine’s Day is a two-way street.

5. You You’ve got plans to take advantage of the Valentine’s Day restaurant deals with your friends and really don’t care all that much whether you’re with someone or single on V-day. You intend to use this “holiday” as an excuse to eat chocolate (but not candy hearts, because those are gross). Part of you wishes you had more exciting plans but another part of you doesn’t mind … oh wait … is that the cutie from history class calling you? Better take that …