“Argylle” is the latest movie from director Matthew Vaughn, one of the architects of the beloved “Kingsman” franchise — but if the film didn’t have a post-credit scene linking it to the “Kingsman” universe, you would never be able to guess these movies were made by the same people. Why? Because instead of a tight, fun, action-packed movie like “Kingsman,” we get an unmitigated mess of a film that doesn’t know what it wants to be, wastes its star-studded cast, has poor action sequences, is painfully unfunny, looks awful, is filled with terrible acting and has a runtime that overstays its welcome.

“Argylle” follows best-selling spy novelist Elly Conway (Bryce Dallas Howard) as she struggles to write the fifth book in her famous series Argylle. On her train ride home to revise the fifth book, she gets kidnapped by a spy and soon finds herself in the center of a real-life spy thriller like the ones she has been writing about for years. While this is an interesting idea that could make for a fun, bubbly, over-the-top spy thriller, it falls flat on its face in almost every facet of its execution.

I do want to give “Argylle” its flowers for the few things it does well. While the acting is largely subpar (more on that later) Bryan Cranston and Sam Rockwell have consistently good performances. Not amazing, but serviceable. Cranston essentially is asked to play Walter White if he were the head of a rogue top-secret intelligence agency and Rockwell plays the part of the generic kick-ass joke-cracking spy movie protagonist saving the damsel in distress. 

The movie is extremely self-aware. It understands that its concept is extremely unrealistic over-the-top and leans heavily into the absurdist aspects of its plot. It pulls this feat off through its unpredictability and fast-paced flow from scene to scene. The movie is filled to the brim with plot twists. You never know where the movie will end up taking you. While I wouldn’t recommend you spend time or money watching this movie, I certainly can’t say I wasn’t entertained at points either.

With that out of the way, everything else about this movie is outright bad. It doesn’t know what it wants to be. At times it wants to be an action film, but its action scenes are few and far between, and when they come along are bland, generic and boring. It has attempts at comedy, though I rarely ever laughed. Sometimes it wants to be a romance, but when it decides to lean into its romance, its acting and dialogue are atrocious — only exaggerated by its two main romantic leads having no onscreen chemistry. 

The special effects are especially inexcusable. Whether it’s the weird-looking CGI cat, the choice to use CGI characters instead of hiring a stunt double, practical effects that make characters jump like Mario or a poorly done attempt at a “Birds of Prey” action sequence, this movie looks like it was made in 2002. Its editing is incredibly disorienting and jarring, making its action sequences unwatchable at times. 

Besides the actors mentioned earlier, everyone else’s performances range from abysmal at worst to generic at best. Howard is the biggest disappointment in the acting department — despite being a proven actress with a successful career, she comes off as surprisingly stale, boring and unbelievable at times.

This is not all her fault — the dialogue writing in this movie hits the lows of the “Star Wars” prequels at times. The movie’s introduction of Elly Conway includes an extremely cringeworthy monologue of her talking to either herself or her cat. Her romantic lines are stale, and her serious lines hardly ever fit the context of the scene. 

The movie has a star-studded lineup, including Samuel L. Jackson, Henry Cavill, John Cena, Cranston and even a cameo from Dua Lipa. But if you’re considering watching this movie for its incredible lineup, simply don’t. Each of these actors takes up almost none of the movie’s 139-minute runtime. Cavill and Cena get one poorly done action scene at the start of the movie, Jackson is in the movie for maybe five minutes, and Dua Lipa is also barely in the movie. Their inclusion is a shameless cash grab to try and get audience members in seats or Apple TV sign-ups.

 If you want a good action movie, go watch “Kingsman” or “John Wick.” If you want a rom-com, any Hallmark movie is better than this. If you want to see Henry Cavill fight bad guys, go watch “Man of Steel.” While “Argylle” had the potential to be a funny, over-the-top spy thriller with a ridiculous concept, instead it’s a sloppy mess from start to finish.