How to Survive the Clownpocalypse

By Joseph O'Reilly • October 6, 2016

Over the years, American civilization has encountered several major threats to its ongoing existence, such as terrorism, climate change and infectious diseases. Today, there is a new danger on the horizon: the Clownpocalypse.

For those of you who have been living under a rock for the last four days, allow me to explain. Across the nation, cities, neighborhood communities, and college campuses have been terrorized by machete-carrying, child-luring, simply horrifying clowns. Feeling freaked out and unprepared? Follow these tips to help you survive if/when the clowns arrive at Georgetown.

1. Use the Buddy System
Do not even think about leaving your room alone. Going to Leo’s? Bring a buddy. Going to Yates? Let’s be honest, probably not. Going to Lau? Bring a buddy. Going to the bathroom? BRING A BUDDY. A clown will be less likely to approach you if you are in pairs, and on the off chance one does, you will also have a human sacrifice handy to allow for your own quick escape.

2. Exercise your Second Amendment right
I don’t care what it is. Pepper spray. A knife. A rifle (maybe not a rifle…). A baseball bat. Clown repellent. It doesn’t matter. Just arm yourself ASAP because these clowns do not mess around. Maybe even consider calling your dad back about that self defense class he suggested you take before college. It could come in handy.

3. If you see something, say something
I’m not one to advocate for clown profiling, but if you see anything that even resembles one of these mask-wearing reincarnations of Lucifer you better say something. Tell your floor mates. File a report on LiveSafe. Call GUPD. Organize a press conference. Whatever it takes to get the word out.

4. Master the art of disguise
This one is fool proof. Carry around a clown mask with you at all times, and if you happen to see a clown quickly put it on and pretend your one of his/her friends. They’ll never know.